I know we’ve all had times in our lives when we feel as if things “suck.” I’m actually going through that now as it pertains to my relationship with someone I love very much. We have apparently broken up. I say “apparently,” because I’m still feeling shocked by it all and in disbelief. We had a great relationship. We always had so much fun! We loved each other passionately, joyfully, playfully and the feelings were alive. We could be who we are, without judgment, and allow each other the freedom to be ourselves and love, play, laugh and live life well! That was how I felt about “us.” This is how God (or Source) sees each and everyone of us everyday.
Yet we’re human, and neither of us is seeing each other as God would see us right now and I’m certainly not seeing myself as Source sees me. When things don’t go the way we want them to in a relationship, (which recently happened in our case), it’s easy to place blame, point fingers at the other person, throw out accusations about how the other person didn’t act the way you wanted them to act, and judge. We judge our partner and each other. We judge ourselves. That is not a loving place to be in, yet why do we continually do this to ourselves? Why do we set ourselves up for disappointment by making what our partner does or doesn’t do, says or doesn’t say, the object of our happiness?– Can someone say “attachment” anyone?
We set ourselves up for disappointment by buying into that “ideal relationship” that many parts of society paint (or at least the part of our head or heart that imagines the ‘ideal’ relationship) and what happens? –The other person always disappoints. They disappoint because we can’t control other people: we can only control ourselves. They disappoint because we are different individuals who see and feel things in our own unique ways.
No one person is like you in every way! If I were involved with a guy who was exactly the same as me, I’d probably get bored really fast! So why would I expect someone else to act, be and approach the world in the same way as me? I don’t. Yet, in relationships with a partner, we often do expect the other person to react the same as we would!
Differences can be a good thing: they keep us growing, expanding and exploring this beautiful world in which we live. So if you’re complaining that your partner doesn’t see things your way, be glad that you’ve got someone in your life who contributes to your personal growth expansion by providing you with another point of view! I’m very appreciative of this man in my life: he has enriched my life in so many ways, and often because of our differences.
Yet appreciating those differences can be a challenge during a “break-up,” “a fight” or otherwise while not understanding each other so well. It’s the differences in how we react to day-to-day things that often start disagreements and arguments in relationships. When that happens, things can really suck! We can spiral into a series of accusations, judgments, arguments and may use hurtful words. Then we run off to talk to our best friend and re-tell the story, over and over again, igniting the fire of the hurt, blame, judgment and sadness feelings even more. Now we’re really on a downward spiral, because we keep telling the story over and over again. And if you’re not one to talk to others, you probably have re-told the story over and over again in your mind, so your heart definitely feels it.
I’m reminded now of my all-time favorite quote from Abraham-Hicks: “My happiness depends upon me, so you’re off the hook!” I love that quote and I know in my soul that it’s true. I am in charge of my own happiness. I get to choose. I choose to appreciate this contrast (the break-up that I don’t want) and use this situation to align with my inner being and have the best year yet!
Yet right now, my relationship with the one that I love very much sucks. Yes, it sucks! It sucks because I disappointed him, and then he disappointed me and now it apparently is over. You see? We both bought into that “You have to do ________(Fill in the blanks) to make me happy” mentality. In fact, because I didn’t do ________, he wasn’t happy with me and because he didn’t respond to me like __________, after I explained why I didn’t do _________ when he wanted me to ________, I wasn’t happy with him.
See how ridiculously funny this is? Haha! Seeing it as a “fill in the blank” exercise illustrates just how silly we are to think we can control someone else. I can laugh about this but the truth is I miss him. I miss him because in our relationship, the love that flowed brought out the best in me: fun, caring, kind, loving, passionate, silly, playful, engaging, creative, inspiring, present and connected. That is worth appreciating.
Yet I’m not feeling that way about me right now. Can someone say “attachment” again, please? I have to “allow” me to be ME: all those qualities that our love brought up in ME. I have to allow those in again, without the NEED for the relationship. Tricky stuff.
I write this here because it feels good for me to do so (and I know that following my “feel good” is the way to aligning with my true self!) I intend that readers who are drawn to read my words will find benefit from it. While I am a person who helps others with tools and tips for living a more positive, joyful life, I am having a challenge being joyful about this break-up. It’s not what I want, so I’m determined to use the tools that I know to get myself into a “feel better” place as I go through this. I am intending that I’ll get so good at appreciating this contrast of breaking up, that I can love him and myself by “allowing” the break-up: no need, no attachment to outcome, and whether we reconcile won’t matter anymore because divine love will be what I feel and appreciate in this situation. In other words, if I see myself, him and our relationship as God or Source sees us, then I’ve paved the way to seeing us as we truly are: magnificent beings living a life that’s supposed to be fun and filled with love: with or without each other as a “couple.”
What I know will serve me is this: releasing the need for this relationship in my life, the attachment to him specifically as my “way to happiness,” the “need” for his love: and the more I can allow, the better I will feel! Will we get back together? Perhaps….Perhaps not…. But letting go of the attachment of our relationship as the key to my happiness IS the key to my own happiness! I can be happy by myself, thank you!
Abraham-Hicks says that when we are so conscious of “what is” and when “what is” doesn’t feel good, it is helpful to get more generally negative about the situation to move ourselves into alignment to a better feeling place. So that’s why I’m calling this post “When Things Suck: A Glimpse Into ‘Allowing’ A Break-Up.” I’m moving my vibe more generally negative (as opposed to re-telling the specifics of what happened). So here’s my rant:
This really sucks! I hate when things suck. It sucks to feel this way. This whole situation sucks. I don’t like it at all because it sucks! Yet I’ve had other “sucky” situations before and they didn’t stay “sucky” forever. Things did get better in the past so they can get better now. This won’t always suck. Not everything in my life sucks. In fact, many things in my life don’t suck at all! Eventually this situation will move from “sucky” to “hopeful.” I know what to do – I’ve done it before…..but right now it sucks and I’m not liking it. My future is filled with all kinds of goodies and here I sit, sad about this situation. If only I could find my way to turn this sucker around! What if I knew exactly what to do with this sucker?
LOL Ok, that made me laugh. 🙂 There’s hope in this sucker afterall…